#5c: Sleep Help

The other night when I was lying awake, I stared at the ceiling, and I thought about…

Sleeping. It’s always on my mind. When I first wake up and can’t seem to peel myself fromalarm my comforter’s warm embrace. When I step outside into the cold air and strain not to hurtle myself back through my front door. When I sit down in class and stare at a blackboard with blurred lines of chalk forming endless homework assignments. I think about sleep,

And how I never get more than 4 hours of it.

This blog has been about the things that I think about when I lie awake in bed. But the only reason it exists is because I can’t fall asleep.

I decided that 4 hours of shut eye a night isn’t enough. So, I’ve cruised the internet and picked out some remedies that the internet says will help us sleep.

The Internet Says

1)      Magnesium, calcium and wild lettuce. You should take these three, in pill form, before bed. Why not? You take 16 pills with your morning coffee anyway, why not do the same before bed. Minus the coffee of course, caffeine will keep you awake.

2)      Hops. Apparently, one of the ingredients in beer will put you right to sleep. So buy a budbottle of pills, or a 12 pack of Bud and start dreaming.

3)      Yoga or meditation will get you Zen before bed. Nothing like the aroma of farts to get you off to la-la-land.

4)      Make a sleep schedule. This should include a bed time and a wake up time, and should be strictly followed. Looks like we’re going to be 8 years-old for the rest of our lives.

5)      Avoid caffeine, alcohol and nicotine. I don’t know what to say to this one, besides no.

Now these are just a few tips on how to fall asleep that I have found online. There are webmdplenty more, some are scientifically proven, and some are grandma tested. If none of these work for you, feel free to browse the 1000’s of suggestions. My only guidance is it not visit helpguide.com or webmd.com. These websites are a bad idea. Sure you’ll find causes, cures, symptoms and treatments for whatever is troubling you, be it trouble sleeping or a pimple. But I will guarantee that the last symptom will be: cancer or death. I don’t advise self-diagnosis because of these websites.

Since I’ve been struggling to fall asleep for so long I have come up with a few sleep remedies of my own.

Pearl Says

1)      Count sheep. Really, count them. I like to picture them as realistically as possible in my head. With the fence they’re hopping and everything.


2)      Count down from 100. I breathe in for the first number, and exhale for the second. i.e inhale 9, exhale 8. I find that it gets harder and harder to keep counting down instead of switching and counting up.

3)      Cover your alarm clock. I use a hand towel. This way, even if you can’t seem to fall asleep you won’t look at the time and start calculating exactly how much time you have before you have to wake up.

4)      Fresh sheets. There is nothing better than lying down on clean sheets and pillow cases that still smell like detergent.

Those are a few tips that I use. I hope they help you fall asleep. If they don’t, then feel free to pass your sleepless hours by reading stuff written by someone who also can’t sleep.

Yup, that’s the shit I think about when I can’t sleep.

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