#4d: Cats, Dogs, and Owners.

The other night when I was lying awake, I pulled the blankets tight, and I thought about…

People who speak for their pets. We’ve all seen the lady who when she introduces you to dogher dog says, “She says hi!” Now, don’t get me confused for someone who hates animals. I love them and I own several. But there are different levels of this cross species mind reading:

–          Those people who know their animals personalities and therefore articulate it in words because the animal cannot, i.e “Oh don’t worry about the barking, she barks when she plays with other dogs.”

–          The people who are convinced that using baby talk and a high pitched voice is necessary in a conversation that must be had during awkward interactions on walks, i.e “Goochie-goochie-goo oh my god you’re puppys so cute!”

–          The people who give narration to everything their animal does, i.e “Oh I’m gonna go smell that tree! I wonder how many other dogs have peed here?!”

I’ve taken the liberty to put these people into two categories for clarification:

Cat Whisperers

imagesCAEJGWW6These are the people who think their cat is just so funny. They think they own the only cat on the planet. They put bread around their cats face and post pictures online. For these people, I have news.

All cats like boxes. They meow. They sleep a lot. They don’t want bread on their faces. The flash probably hurts their eyes. They shit in a box. And they all look like they’re plotting against you.

I know there’s 73 million cats living in homes in America but,

You’re cats not special.

Dog Ventriloquists

This group consists of people who are convinced they know what their dog is thinking. imagesCAH37I5YThey ask them how their day was, if they’re hungry and even if they need to use the bathroom. They then blankly stare at them and await a response. They believe they are human. No really, they put their dogs in sweaters, coats, boots, scarfs and hats to take them out in the winter. I also have news for you,

When you say something in a high pitch your dog will wag its tail. Every dog will respond positively to the word walk. They like to walk. They will chase a ball if you throw it. They will eat pretty much everything. Even their own shit. They have fur and therefore don’t need clothes.

Now I know that dogs are the only creature, besides humans, that understand pointing but,

Don’t treat them like they are human. We are talking about “members of our family” but they also lick their privates, wipe their butts on carpets, and shit in public. They also don’t wear pants….but that’s a whole other problem of mine.

All these animals that we communicate for, act like we understand and at the end of the day, when they don’t respond, treat like morons…actually have a pretty smart game plan.imagesCAEA2J9H

They live in our houses, sleep all day, don’t work, don’t clean and yet they get fed, groomed, and massaged. I want this life. How do I get this life?

I’m however unsure if I would put up with the chance that I could be owned by a Cat Whisperer or a Dog Ventriloquists. That would make my ears bleed.

I own a 9 year old Jack Russell named Dana, and a 4 year old black cat named Killer. They8335_144238358674_4812561_n are best friends, I’m just sure of it. But I don’t find the need to try and understand what they’re thinking. They’re animals and they’re entertaining and great companions to have. But, just because I decided to own them, doesn’t mean that I need to put anyone through the torture I’ve been subjected to. And for people like me, along with a pat on the back, I put us in a category called: Pet Owners. We own pets and we kinda like them sometimes.

Yup, that’s the shit I think about when I can’t sleep.

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