#3d: Zombies

The other night when I was lying awake, in between blankets on and blankets off, I thought about…

A zombie apocalypse. The idea of it is becoming so popular, how could I not think about zzit? With popular T.V series like The Walking Dead, and Brad Pitt battling them in World War Z, it’s not something that’s easy to ignore. I’m a firm believer in the fact that this shit is eventually going to go down. I’m so pumped. Smashing in zombie teeth with a baseball bat? I was born for this.

Now, let’s get serious. We’re going to need an escape plan. I’m going to, against the best wishes of those involved in my plan, let you in on a few tips. I’m trusting you.

1)      Be prepared. You need to have a bag packed that sits in your closest. There will be NO time to pack a bag when you check your Facebook and find out theirs zombies on the loose. If you don’t have one packed, go now.

2)      What you need. This bag should be filled with: one change of clothes, non-perishable items (if canned, pack a can opener), a flashlight, matches, water, a small pot, whiskey, a reflective blanket, knives, a gun and any other items you think you’ll need. Pack lightly, you’ll be able to raid stores when half the population is already dead.

3)      Get out. Make friends with someone who has a large vehicle, preferably a jeep with a lift kit and large tires. My cousin has one, haha. This vehicle will help you in a lot of situations i.e hoping curbs when the roads are jammed, run over hitch hiking zombies, and of course, where we’re going, we won’t need roads.

4)      Airborne. Get to the nearest small airport. Don’t go to a main one, flights won’t be leaving and the security guards may have turned and they have guns. Bad combo.

5)      Stay airborne. When at this airport, you’re going to need a pilot. Don’t try to bribe one with money, it has no value anymore. My cousin has flown a plane once, I’ll have to trust him.

6)      Quiet. You’ll need to fly to a low population location. The less zombies to kill the better. I’m thinking somewhere warm, it will be easier to not be affected by the weather conditions.

7)      Home sweet home. Settle in right away. Create a home, rules and form a new government. Watch new comers carefully, they will have to earn their place.

kkbok

If you follow these steps, you should be alright for a while. I can’t promise that you’ll survive, but you might make it to the point when you can attempt to repopulate the planet. These guidelines aren’t as good as the book “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead” but it’s not 17.99, it’s free so… you’re welcome. I know this is a lot to take in and a shit load of pressure, but it’s that or death.

You choose.

Now you might think with all of my humour towards the end of the world that I’m not serious. Well you should watch Zombieland and tell Woody Harrelson to smarten up then.  The world is being overrun by a plague that causes you to eat peoples flesh. Personally, I think that seeing the humorous side of things isn’t such a bad idea.

billfuckingmurray

As long as they’re slow zombies. Fast zombies scare the fuck out of me.

Yup, that’s the shit I think about when I can’t sleep.

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