#2e: Happy Birthday

The other night when I was lying awake, in between toss and turn, I thought about…

Birthdays. It’s your birthday. You hear the rustling in the kitchen. Cupboards slam, the fridge opens, and the sound of the flint sparking breaks the awkward silence. You wait for the inevitable shutting off of the lights. The peoples faces to glow from the candle light. And then, it happens.


That song. That horrid, horrid song. Just thinking about it makes me anxious.

Why is this song so long?

Where did this song even come from?

Who had the right to decide that screaming happy birthday at someone just wasn’t enough and that we should be subjected to an unharmonious vocal birthdayconcoction on OUR BIRTHDAY. This song was recognized by The Guinness Book of World Records in 1988 as the most widely recognized song in the English language. It has also been translated into 18 languages. I decided to research the individuals who ruined birthdays. We owe it all to Preston Ware Orem  and Mrs. R.R. Forman for the lyrics, and the two lovely sisters  Patty and Mildred J. Hill for the tune. Patty and Mildred created the melody to a song called “Good Morning to All”. Preston Orem and Mrs. Forman took the melody and changed the lyrics “Happy Birthday to You”. The copy right to this song will not expire until 2030. Thanks guys.

No one needs to cupckaecount up to the age of the person. Firstly, It’s depressing. Secondly, if you’re at my birthday party you better know how old I’m turning. And lastly, its just more time for the candles to melt and give all the guests wax poisoning. And no I don’t care if “wax poisoning” doesn’t exist. Wax definitely tastes bad, I ate some with my cake on my 6th birthday…the tempo of the song was tortoise slow and the candles actually melted into the cake. Yum.

The reason why I have a problem with this song is because I don’t know how to react. I can only think of 5 plausible ways to react. I’m sure everyone falls into one of these categories.

How to React

1)      Do you smile? But how long are you supposed to keep that stupid grin plastered on your face.

2)      Do you stare at everyone?  Because they’re all staring at you. They are staring into your soul.

3)      Do you join in? No, that’s stupid. Don’t make them feel like this is okay.

4)      Do you blow out the candles? Maybe it’s easier to get it over with.

5)      Do you sit there and take it? Maybe the tempo will pick up and you’ll soon be showered with cake and presents.

We’ve all been there. And I’ve solved it.

No one is allowed to sing me happy birthday.

It’s just a waste of time. The song literally takes so long that the cake, the main focus of the event, gets ruined as wax drips on it. They can all in unison scream it at me, but only if I get ice cream cake. From Dairy Queen. No excuses.

Yup, that’s the shit I think about when I can’t sleep.

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